It seems so long ago now but I can remember it like it was yesterday.
Growing up as a kid I truly was typical guys’ guy.
I played every single sport you could possibly imagine, was an all star on pretty much every team that I ever played on, loved playing G.I. Joe’s, cars, nerf guns, you name it.
There really was nothing about my childhood to even remotely suggest that I was gay.
And while at the time I had absolutely no idea truly what I was feeling, looking back on it, it’s really so crystal clear.
So when I think about my early years and when I started feeling attraction for people, I can remember the feelings I had, the images I saw, and the desires I had just like it was yesterday.
While all the normal boys started thinking about girls in the 4th grade, girls just never seemed to interest me.
I remember one of my best friends at the time, in 4th grade, on Valentine’s Day getting a big fancy heart with chocolates in it for the girl that he had a crush on. The girl that apparently all the boys liked.
And while I didn’t share those same feelings exactly, I played along and would always say that I was into her too.
At the time I wasn’t exactly sure what I was feeling.
It wasn’t like I knew I was into boys at the time. In fact, far from it.
But I do remember wondering why I wasn’t feeling the same way that all the other boys seemed to be feeling.
It wasn’t until the 5th grade that I started to really think about boys in any sort of an attraction level. I didn’t think about getting naked and having sex with them (do boys think about or even understand about sex at 5th grade? I’m not even sure…), nothing like that.
But I can remember it as clear as yesterday.
The first time that I felt the desire to kiss another boy.
I don’t remember the exact circumstances but we were in class and had some sort of a group project going on and I remember being with one of the popular boys in school.
At the time, the Mighty Ducks were a big thing and I absolutely LOVED hockey. For a while there wasn’t anything about a hockey team or player that I didn’t know.
And this kid was lucky enough to have season tickets to the Mighty Ducks.
Not just any seats… front row seats center ice and he would always invite a friend to go with him.
So, by simply having awesome tickets and taking kids with him, he was cool.
At least in my eyes.
Looking back at it seems like I was pretty jealous and had some resentment towards him. He had what I wanted and I guess that didn’t bode too well with me.
But, for some reason, that apparently made me have some sort of an attraction toward him.
Enough of an attraction that I can clearly remember sitting in class, during that group project, looking up at him and thinking that I wanted to kiss him.
As I think through everything, I’m not really sure if I wanted to kiss him just to kiss him or if I had some sort of real attraction towards him.
I don’t remember ever really having a crush on him or anything like that.
In fact, he’s really not my type at all so that just wouldn’t make sense.
But I just remember being in that moment, looking at him and thinking that it would be fun to kiss him.
Clearly I didn’t act on those desires but I remember throughout elementary school having that feeling on more than one occasion. Not toward that boy, but other boys as well.
Like most closeted and confused guys I just suppressed those feelings and desires. Figured it was some sort of a “phase” and that I would just get over it.
In hindsight it’s kind of silly that I even had those feelings but, I guess that’s the life of a typical gay boy trying to identify himself, right?
That was the first time that I can really recall having any sort of an attraction for boys.
At the time I thought it was just some random impulse.
Something that all boys have.
Cause all boys have random urges to kiss other boys, right?
Whatever it was, it was the first memory I have of, well, being gay.
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